What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 00:59
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
When she asked me how she looked .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Is the saying "nice guys finish last" true? Can good intentions always lead to positive outcomes?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
What kind of person does a narcissist hate?
So, i spoilt her more .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And i lived it daily.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We were not on the streets..
I think the readers, may guess!
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Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
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I was 9 years of age.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why does he text me first but when I never text first he gets mad?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She found it foreign!.
Have you ever been instructed/forced to crossdress for the benefit of others?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Why are some people afraid of monsters?
I couldn’t, believe it.
I said to her
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But, we were locked up after school.
This is soul school!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I will be 64.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One cannot live in the past .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
What did i know ?
Would this be the day?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We all went to grammer schools
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My life is so biszare .
I don,t even have a pension.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She married twice! .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I have no regrets .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I waited trembling.
Ive learnt so much.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was seconnd youngest,
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My family never makes their pension either.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Put me off passion for life!!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Why did i forgive my father ?
But it wasn’t much.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
All the time i was locked up.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Who then, do I blame.?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He knew the spot.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I write beautiful poetry .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was very sick at this time too.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was scared of men, in general
But ive been too sick for many years..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She wouldn,t have been !
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im still living with it.
So whats the point in blame.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She loved him until the end.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
It was going to be , some day.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Especially a lifetime of it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She was in good health!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Comes on , in middle age.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.